


when I falter (at least it was my mistake)

by klainelynch



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Introspection, Light Angst, Missing Scene, No Dialogue, POV Riza Hawkeye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29932200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klainelynch/pseuds/klainelynch
Summary: That homunculus, Lust, had bragged about eliminating a precious sacrifice, and as the cold knowledge soaked into her bones, her only thought was that she couldn’t do this without Roy.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	when I falter (at least it was my mistake)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rousse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rousse/gifts).



> Rachel, I’m gifting this to you because it’s thanks to you that I’ve been in this emotional spiral with no hope of getting out any time soon ✌️

The ride to the hospital was fairly short, but Riza’s adrenaline had long since crashed, and she wanted nothing more than to close her eyes like the Colonel. She couldn’t, of course—who else was there to watch over him, and Havoc too? Protecting them was her job, and she would see it through this time. A small, selfish part of her was glad that he couldn’t watch her in return. She had seen the sincere gratitude in his eyes when he thanked Alphonse for protecting her, but she knew him better than to assume that that would be the end of it. She had fucked up. Riza didn’t make mistakes very often, and that record made this blemish even more painful.

She wanted to wonder what had gone wrong, wanted to stew in self-pity and worry about when it would happen next, but none of that was necessary. She knew where her error lay, and the churning in her gut came from her previous— _painfully wrong_ —assumption that she was better than this. Riza knew herself, knew what she wanted and what she was willing to do to get it, knew the strengths that best suited the future she wanted to build and the weaknesses that would hold her back—but she hadn’t known she would lose herself in that way. That homunculus, Lust, had bragged about eliminating a precious sacrifice, and as the cold knowledge soaked into her bones, her only thought was that she couldn’t do this without Roy.

Not the Colonel.

 _Roy_.

She used to be better about keeping them separate—the boy her father had trained, the young man she had followed into the military because she had seen the look in his eyes and known that he was someone worth following, and the superior officer who had charged her to watch his back in life and death and even mundane paperwork—but a few words from Lust shattered that illusion forever. As her hands shook, she wanted to unload her gun into Roy’s murderer. Colonel Mustang was not even a thought in her mind. The white walls of that underground cavern filled her vision instead, took the place of the dreams they had about building a new and better world together, and that whiteness was all the brighter for how it contrasted against the deep black of the homunculus’s dress. It didn’t seem to be a normal shade of black—it was almost as if nothing could escape that all-consuming darkness, and yet its eyes had somehow been even darker. Riza hadn’t seen that sort of cruelty since Ishval, when she watched men, ones that she was duty-bound to protect, consume everything around them without a second thought. Why, she wanted to scream, why had she been able to protect _those_ soldiers and not him?

She fired, and she fired, and she fired, and she collapsed.

Even Alphonse hadn’t been enough to shake her out of her despair. He’d begged her to stand up, to keep fighting, and she just couldn’t. Riza knew she would die in that room without the luxury of seeing Roy one last time. Alphonse didn't understand that there wasn't anything he could do to help her. Only one voice would pull her to her feet again. Those Elric brothers didn't know how to listen, though; he protected her when she should have protected him, and it was that bravery that gave her the most impossible sort of miracle. Roy’s fire raged, consuming every bit of spare oxygen in the chamber as he burned that creature again and again, but Riza had never found it easier to breathe. Alive, he was _alive_ , and as soon as the homunculus died for the final time, Riza raced to her Colonel and knew that she would never let go, would never again allow herself to forget exactly who she had pledged to stand by.

Now he was paying the price for his bravery and her foolishness. He looked so small, lying there on the gurney as they sped to the closest hospital. His round face was relaxed, having lost the worry lines that had recently accompanied his furrowed brow. One of the burns on his side had reopened, staining the white sheets with a muddy red. She wanted to reach over and wipe the mess away, clean the wound herself and keep him safe from infection, but that wasn't her job. Let those who had been trained in this do what they did best, and she would do the same. One of them had already bangaded the cut on his face and removed his coat to stick a few needles into his arms. Earlier, he had seemed so much fuller than his usual self, as he killed something unkillable. Now Riza noticed how thin his skin was. She wondered if he’d had a full meal since Brigadier General Hughes had died; she wondered what else she had missed about him.

She didn’t allow herself to wonder how close her carelessness had brought them to the edge of destruction.

Riza was disappointed in how she had acted, but she still knew herself and what she needed to do next. Dwelling on this mistake wasn’t going to help her move forward, wouldn’t help her save the Colonel the next time his life was in danger, and there _would_ be a next time.

When he would call her an idiot a few hours later, the word would sting, but she would know it wasn’t an insult borne of anger or malice. Frustration and fear, not only of her personal safety but of everything they had worked for over these past few years, would drive the Colonel’s words. She would know that because it was the same thing that had driven her to call him out with the exact same insult when he left his post to save her and Fuery from that first homunculus. They both knew they were capable of so much more, and neither one would allow the other to sink below those expectations.

She had stumbled, and her knees were skinned. But she wouldn’t stop.

Riza would protect her men. It's what she did. This team had to rely on each other, and they couldn’t do that if they didn’t fully believe that they were capable of reaching their goal. Everything had to work towards that end. Nothing else mattered: not fear, or regret, or even the kind eyes of someone who had to stay locked away in her head and heart for both of their sakes.

**Author's Note:**

> I just watched FMAB for the first time in January, and I just finished reading the manga for the first time last week. I’ve been reading a bunch of fic and consuming other fandom-y things, but this is my first contribution. 
> 
> Title is from “My Mistake” by Gabrielle Aplin
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [klainelynch](https://klainelynch.tumblr.com/)


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